OK...now that you are totally cracking up!!
(Shout out to DH for finding this video tonight!)
Almost everyday, I make farm cheese. I haven't gotten the courage up to make any of the other kinds. (OK, I made Motzerella one morning and even took pictures for a tutorial...but it totally flopped, so those pictures are currently in limbo).
However farm cheese, you can't really mess up.
Heat your milk up to 160* to 180*. Pull it off the heat. Put a splash of vinegar in it. Stir until it clabbers (seperates). Let it sit for 30 minutes. Pour off whey. Pull the cheese apart, salt. Smush back together and put into cheese bag. Let drain for 30 minutes.
Eat! Defeat mouse traps!!
(BTW, the cheese actually squeaks!)