I Know If I Stopped, I'd Disappear

There’s this thing no one tells you when your life falls apart: if you stop producing, people stop seeing you.

I first noticed it when I told the mother of the little girl who had been my constant companion that I couldn’t keep watching her anymore. I needed to focus on my health and while Scott was sick. And the moment I stepped out of that role, I lost her my shadow. Just…gone... ..completely. 

But it happened again shortly after Scott died. The silence after the funeral.

A friend who used to come up weekly vanished. The rest of my "farm family" found other milk, jam elsewhere... and i know they would come back...once I have what they need again.  But in the meantime... And I understood, in a brutal, quiet way: I wasn’t loved. I was useful.

And when I stopped being useful, I disappeared.

Over the last five years, I’ve walked through hell with my head down. I wasn’t wallowing. I was surviving. God was refining me, or so I thought. But when the people left—the ones I made excuses for and even the ones who didn’t even try...it started to feel less like refining and more like being burned away.

Firat our girl.. Then, I lost the other half of my soul when I lost Scott. Then, to add insult to injury, 18 hours later Danny couldn't bear to be without Scott (me either!! I just didn't get a choice). I sold half my cattle to survive. The rhythm of my days collapsed. And still, I kept trying to produce. Kept trying to be visible. Kept hoping that if I showed up, someone would show up for me.

But the truth is, life feels shallow in most place now. Realness is rare. Vulnerability is met with silence, not solidarity. And I started wondering: If no one sees me unless I’m producing, and I have nothing left to give, then what am I even still here for?

I believe God left me here for a reason. But I don't know what
it is. I keep trying to be used—by customers, by friends, by the very people who forget me the moment I stop giving. I keep hoping that even if I don’t know how, maybe God is somehow reaching them because of something I said, gave, or did—maybe the impact lives on, even if I never see it.. Because otherwise, this hollow ache, this slow erasure—it feels pointless.

Some days I want to go home. But I’m still here. So I’ll try again. I’ll write this. I’ll press publish. Not because I believe it will even spark some great revival of care——but because I need to lay one brick. One proof of life.

Even if no one sees it. Even if I still feel invisible. I am not gone. Not yet. Maybe soon. (Some days, I wish I were.)

CSA Sign Ups

Last year was… a lot.

Heartbreak, healing, a few puppy-chewed shoes, and more than a few moments where I wasn’t sure I’d do the CSA again. But then the sun started rising earlier, the garden beds started calling, and the cows kept showing up—nuzzling their way into my heart and reminding me that the simple things still matter.

And so, with a little grit, a whole lot of grace, and probably a cow kiss or two, I’m excited to announce:

CSA sign-ups for 2025 are officially OPEN—but only until May 1st or until we’re full, whichever comes first!

Here’s what’s included:

10 weeks of fresh, seasonal produce (June 5–October 9)

Pick-up options:

Thursdays at the farm (6–7 pm)

Fridays in the Polaris area (11:30–11:45 am—very limited spots)

Each weekly basket includes approx. $30 worth of fresh vegetables, herbs, and the occasional farm surprise

Access to a private CSA Facebook group with recipes, tips, and “unboxing” previews

Special Touches Just for You:

Every CSA box this year will include a unique little surprise—starting with a custom-made sticker that reflects the season’s spirit.

The first box will include our “Fueled by Grit, Grace & Cow Kisses” sticker—a sweet reminder that hope grows here, even in hard soil.

To Reserve Your Share:

We require a 50% deposit to hold your spot. The number of shares is very limited, and spots will close when we’re full or on May 1st, whichever comes first.

To sign up, please contact me directly via:

Email:  calicoty@hotmail.com 

Private message through Facebook or Instagram

Important: Please do not send payment to anyone else or through unofficial links. There are far too many online scammers these days. If you're not contacting me directly—you’re not in the right place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you've been part of our CSA before, welcome back!

If you're new, I'm so glad you're considering walking alongside this little farm. Your support makes it possible for me to keep planting, praying, and pouring out jam jars full of heart.

Let’s grow something beautiful together.

Life in Fog

Winter 2025 has been the hardest and darkest season of my life. I’ve lost not only my husband and best friend but also my sense of direction and purpose. My life’s model has always been to strive toward being a Proverbs 31 wife. I wasn’t perfect, but I truly believed I was walking that path—and Scott always encouraged me in it. He never pushed, but he nurtured my dreams and ambitions, helping turn them into plans that could only be accomplished with God’s hand guiding us.

Losing our Danny Dog the very next day was another blow—one that, on its own, would have devastated me. But because his loss is tied to my greatest loss, I can hardly separate the two. So many people have encouraged me to get a new puppy. Even Scott, in his final days, wanted one. When we came home from the hospital for the last time, he sadly said, "I guess I'm not going to get a new puppy." That memory still breaks my heart. He had wanted us to get one for months, but with all his doctor appointments, I told him it was just too much—I simply didn’t have the bandwidth to train a puppy on top of everything else. Logically, I understand why I said that. But emotionally? It’s one of my biggest regrets—not fulfilling one of my darling husband’s last wishes.

As much as a puppy would bring companionship and distraction, I struggle with the idea of adding one right now. Scott always came up with the cutest, most clever names for our farm animals. If there is a Rainbow Bridge, I hope Buster, Freckles, Kristl, and Danny are all there, showering him with the love I wish I could give him now.

But what is my purpose now?

Scott loved the farm—our "festivals," events, and the vision of self-sufficiency while still sharing Christ’s love with our neighbors. For years—long before TikTok—he was watching YouTube homesteaders and telling me, "You should do that. You could educate and entertain." But my own self-doubt and camera shyness held me back. What could I possibly have to say that anyone would want to hear? Even in his final weeks, he encouraged me to start YouTube. I dabbled in TikTok, but even that felt vain. I’m not a "look at me" kind of person—I’d rather be the one just getting things done in the background.

In those last weeks, I was so busy balancing farm life and caregiving that I wasn’t as present as I should have been. I can barely remember what was so "important" that it pulled me away. I was in denial, convinced that, like in 2014, 2016, and 2020, Scott would bounce back. But God saw that Scott was tired and took him home. And now… I’m left here, asking, "Now what?"

I know God is still here. But this grief is like a thick fog, surrounding me and blocking my view. I know life exists beyond it, but it feels too dark and uncertain to venture out. I’ve always been someone who is going and doing, but now, the only time I leave my farm is for my GriefShare groups—two of them—and online counseling. I’ve reached out to a few friends, but life has moved on for them, while my grief remains raw and messy. I’ve never felt so alone and this isolated. God is here, but I struggle to find meaning and purpose in this new life I never asked for.

Sidenote: If you know someone grieving—please, don’t just say, "Call me if you need anything." They won’t. They can hardly function. If you truly care, you need to reach out. You need to offer, initiate, and sometimes insist. Don’t be afraid of their tears. Talking about their loved one won’t remind them of their loss—everything already reminds them. But your presence may help them feel less alone. The sweetest gift you can give is to ask about their person, to listen as they process the memories, and to stand with them as they face the daunting question: "What happens now?

184 Days...6 Months

Grief is so hard. It’s been six months today since my world shattered. As Scott’s caregiver, I thought I had been preparing myself—months, even years, of anticipatory grief. But now I see that I was bargaining with God. “If I do everything right, he’ll rally again, and we’ll have more time. Just like the other times."

I remember logging his morphine dosage and thinking, Tomorrow, he’ll wake up. We’ll have more time to talk. I’ll get these (what I now realize were unnecessary) chores done today so I can give him my undivided attention tomorrow. Except, tomorrow never came. He was gone before morning.

The regrets are overwhelming. Things I wish I had done. Things I wish I hadn’t. Keeping quiet so he could rest instead of telling him all the things I needed to say. Staying strong and composed so everyone would think I handled it well. And now? I’m locked inside my head, my heart, and my soul—screaming with grief, sorrow, and fear.

I wish I could be raw and real. But I can’t. The only person who ever saw me that way is gone. And it doesn’t feel safe to show anyone else. They couldn’t handle it. Honestly, I’m not sure I can either.

Starting Again: Rebuilding Life, Faith, and the Farm

Hello, dear friends.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written here—three years, in fact, with only a few sporadic posts in the years before that. It feels like a lifetime ago, and in many ways, it was. Life has changed me, shaped me, broken me, and rebuilt me in ways I never imagined.

For those of you who’ve followed this journey from the start, you know this blog began as a way to share the daily joys and challenges of farm life—tales of cows and gardens, recipes pulled straight from the soul of an old-style homestead, and the warmth of a life connected to the land. And while that foundation remains, life’s storms have shifted my course.

I am a widow farmHer now. The last few years have been marked by loss—profound and soul-deep. My late husband, Scott, was my rock, my partner in all things. Caring for him in his final years taught me more about love, faith, and perseverance than I ever thought possible. It also left me standing in the wake of grief, trying to rebuild not just the farm we dreamed of together, but my own heart.

Through it all, this farm has remained a place of healing and purpose. The dairy herdshares continue to thrive, our CSA brings fresh produce to the community, and the roadside honor stand still carries the fruits of our labor. I’ve poured my heart into those 48+ flavors of jams and jellies, letting each jar be a small testament to resilience and creativity. And more recently, I’ve leaned into hosting community events, weaving the threads of connection with farm markets, craft fairs, and farm-to-table dinners.

But there’s more to this story now.

I’ve decided to relaunch this blog because I believe stories matter. Not just the joyful ones, but the hard ones, the messy ones, the ones that remind us we’re not alone in the brokenness. This space will once again reflect life on the farm, but also the grit and grace it takes to rebuild when life knocks you down.

The archives will remain intact, and I encourage you to read through them if you’re new around here to see how this whole crazy farm thing came about. Those old stories and pictures are the roots of what we’ve built here. Moving forward, I’ll be adding new content, including fresh stories and the day-to-day on the farm, as well as catching you up on everything that happened during the hiatus.

We are hoping to add some exciting new features: maybe some contests, recipes, how-to guides, Hen Parties (I think you’ll love these!), farm photography, and even guest bloggers. These are all ideas we’re playing with, and I’d love your input. If there’s something you’d like to see, learn about, or hear more of, please let me know in the comments. This space is as much yours as it is mine.

Alongside this blog, I’m launching a second one—dedicated to grief. It’s a space for raw honesty, where I’ll explore the heartache of loss and the hope that eventually emerges. Grief is not a straight path; it’s a winding road that demands courage, faith, and the willingness to take one step at a time. My hope is that by sharing my journey, it will resonate with others walking their own path through loss.

As I step into this new season, I’m reminded of what Scott always said when the work felt overwhelming: “Just keep looking up and moving on.” And so I will, guided by my faith, by the love of a man who believed in me, and by the promise that even in the ashes, beauty can bloom.

Thank you for being here—for reading, for caring, for walking alongside me as I rebuild this life.

With grit and grace,
Rea

1/16/25 Raw & Vulnerable

This is kind of a self-pity mind dump because I don’t know where else to put it. I don’t want to talk to my friends or family because I know they’ll offer help and company out of obligation. I’m not doing well, and I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t know how to be around others.

I’m not functioning. Sure, I do the bare minimum occasionally, but I’m a completely different person than I used to be. The old me had goals and dreams.

I loved being with Scott. He motivated me. We wanted to do and try new things, to break free from the way things had always been done. He was an encourager no matter what crazy idea i had. I strived to be the Proverbs 31 wife so he could "sit at the city gate" proudly. Even at the end, caring for him, I found ways to make him proud.

But now? Now, I’m all alone. I’m unmotivated. And unlike Scott, there’s no one here to take care of me.

This week, I had a crazy fall. For a moment, I thought about just staying there, stuck in the fence, letting the cold take me. But the caretaker in me didn’t want Zach to find me like that, to feel responsible for something he couldn’t control.

I just want someone to reach out because they "want" to, not as a response to a text I send. If I stopped reaching out, I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice. I just want to disappear.

On a side note: Thirteen years ago today, an internet friend of mine took her own life. I remember posting about it, feeling the weight of her loss, and even though my sweet husband didn’t know her beyond what I had shared, he stepped in with such compassion. He gently pointed our mutual friends toward the hope and love of our Savior.

It’s a small but beautiful memory of the kind of man Scott was—always looking for ways to extend grace, even to strangers, and always ready to shine the light of Christ in the darkest moments.

7th Annual REALLY Local Farm Market and Craft Fair

We are going to cautiously proceed with our Outdoor Craft Fair held in Marengo Ohio on October 10th. Wallace Homestead & Cackleberry Hollow  On August 15th, we will start taking applications for vendors.  As usual, we will be limited vendors to HANDMADE ONLY and will jury and select only one of each type of craft. (or jewelery, wood signs, sewing.) Jury selection will be made by September 5th.  

Last year was an amazing success and some of our wonderful vendors have already asked to come back!

Feel free to reply here or PM for info and a link to the application.

I love animals...

I have always loved animals. When I was a child I loved animals.  I was "destined" to have a zillion animals.  I would be taking the dinner bowl out to our dog, Pedro, and it would take an hour as I wandered around the yard feeding all my pretend animals.  Yes, I had imaginary cows, too!

Fast forward to 17-18 when you are REALLY looking at what you want to BE.  I loved animals so much there was actually no way I could be a vet.  It would break my heart to see them in pain, have to put someone's pet to sleep, or even "give a shot!"

Fast-fast forward thirty-mumble years.... yes I still love animals. So much so, as I've had to put beloved pets down. I have seen my pets hurt or sick.  I have bawled while taking animals to their ultimate goal of nourishing our family.  And I've given shots... lots of shots.

Funny how life works out.

Spring is coming - 12 weeks before last Frost

This week we will actually start sowing some of our cold weather crops inside to get them started for replanting outside.

You should be sowing the following:

• Broccoli
• Cabbage
• Cauliflower 
• Leeks
• Head Lettuce
• Onion
• Parsley

We will be growing our starts in the cellar for the next few weeks as it has some of the heat from our home.  Once we actually see sprouts, we will turn on the grow lights. 

BROCCOLI SOWING AND PLANTING TIPS

• Start broccoli from seed.
• Seed is viable for 3 years.
• Start seeds in individual pots
• Sow seed ¼ to ½ (6-8 mm) inch deep in the seed-starting mix.
• Keep the mix moist but not wet.
• Seeds should germinate in 5 to 10 days at an optimal temperature of 77°F or thereabouts.
• Transplant seedlings into the garden when they 4 to 6 inches tall with 2- to 4-leaves.
• Grow broccoli in full sun for best yield, but broccoli will tolerate partial shade.
• Add 3- to 4- inches of compost and well-aged manure into planting bed, before transplanting; broccoli needs friable, moisture-holding soil.
• Avoid planting where cabbage family crops have grown recently.
• Space plants 18 to 24 inches apart; plants spaced 10 to 12 inches ) apart will yield smaller heads.
• Space rows 36 inches  apart.
• Protect seedlings from the cold for 2 to 3 weeks after planting covering them with a cloche or plastic tunnel or cold frame.
• Fertilize with an organic fertilizer such as fish emulsion at half strength.

Spring is coming!! 14 Weeks before the last Frost.

I posted our CSA information late last year and will be reposting next week....and we hope that you will become one of our CSA families....but even if you don't...

I think everyone wants to garden...either a little or a LOT!  One of the things about doing large scale gardening is to PLAN!  And pretty far in advance too.  I thought I would share a weekly post on what I am (and you can be) doing to get ready for the official beginning of gardening season (the last Frost date.)   Here in central Ohio (zone 5b) our average last frost date is April 30.

This week and next are fun weeks in that you should be looking trough all your seed catalogs, websites and dreaming of warmer weather.  Decide the seeds / plants you want to plant and get them ordered.  Or know that your local hardware stores and nurseries will have seeds and plants starting around the April beginning of May.

Below is a chart if you are wanting to grow enough to can for you family for the whole year.  Or maybe you just plant a few pots on your patio.  Either way...DIRT THERAPY is Great!

Crops	Harvest Needed (lbs)	Row Length (ft)	Plants Needed
Artichoke	12	24	6
Asparagus	8	27	18
Basil	2	5	5
Lima Beans (bush)	12	48	144
Lima Beans (pole)	12	24	18
Snap Beans (bush)	60	50	150
Snap Beans (pole)	60	40	80
Soy Beans	60	120	144
Beets	14	10	60
Bok Choy	12	10	15
Broccoli	32	32	22
Brussel Sprouts	24	32	22
Cabbage	60	40	27
Carrots	40	40	48
Cauliflower	36	36	24
Celery	16	27	41
Cilantro	1	2	3
Collards	8	8	8
Corn	100	125	94
Cucumbers	32	27	14
Dill	1	2	2
Eggplant	16	16	10
Fennel	4	5	5
Garlic	4	16	32
Jerusalem Artichoke	6	4	3
Kale	4	4	4
Kohlrabi	6	8	16
Leek	4	9	27
Lettuce	24	48	42
Melons	24	22	7
Mustard	4	8	16
Okra	4	4	3
Onions	32	32	96
Parsley	1	4	6
Parsnip	12	12	36
Peas	12	30	90
Peppers	12	20	15
Potatoes	100	100	100
Pumpkins	40	40	12
Radish	8	20	60
Rhubarb	16	16	48
Rutabaga	6	5	10
Spinach	12	30	30
Summer Squash	40	27	14
Winter Squash	24	24	9
Strawberry	52	38	23
Sweet Potatoes	12	12	11
Swiss Chard	12	15	18
Tomatoes	96	96	39
Cherry Tomatoes	68	46	35
Turnips	20	27	54
Watermelons	48	24	5

So, Is TODAY the day????

I have been waiting for Hershey to calve since CHRISTMAS.  Because she had "live cover", I have no idea when she was actually bred.  I had a guess (which apparently was REALLY wrong)  

Now, for the past two weeks her udder has been filled and there is a mess under her tail (I'm sure you don't need details!) and all opinions are that she is ready to go ANY TIME.  So I haven't had a good night sleep in over 10 days.  I go out every 2-3 hours.  I could just let nature take it's course.  I could....except last time there were two in there (as you may remember) and I had to pull the second one.  So, it makes me a bit apprehensive to just let it go.

But, tonight with the FULL MOON would be a good time!  

C'mon Hersh!  You can do it!!

The 2020 101 List is UP!

Go check out the crazy out-of-control list I am working on now!!  Be sure to leave me a comment so I know you were here!  I am going to be more consistent with blogging so maybe I can get all you readers coming back!!

Love ya!

2020: 101 in 1001

Final update on the 2nd 101 list!

Back in September, right before our 4th Annual "really Local" Farm Festival, my 2nd round of the 101 in 1001 days came due.  We were so swamped with "the getting ready" that I haven't said much about the Round Up. ( I haven't said much about anything have I??) I am about to do another "round" of 101 starting on January 1st 2018, so I figure, I better get this one "in the books".  (Wow, lots of "quotes" going on...LOL!)

As the numbers go, I worked on most everything on the list.  If it's blue it was worked on.  If it's crossed out, I finished it!!  The numbers behind the statement is times accomplished out of the goal.  Most of those I actually got really close to being done.  I've already gotten the majority of the new 101 list ready.  Some of the things I didn't even start were completely dropped of the new list, some I still want to accomplish, so they were relisted.  Some of the traveling ones, I still REALLY want to do, but there are some major changes coming up and that's going to keep us close to home, so they are being held back until the 4th list in 2020. 

Thanks for coming along for the ride!

Spiritual

1. Read through the Bible again (with a pen!)
2. Journal / Draw in prayer art journal 24/33
3. Start Concordance (and Finish it!)
4. Complete 5 Bible Studies
1. Red Hot Faith
2. WOTT
5. Read 5 Books to Encourage or Enlighten (4/5)

Financial

1. Get out of debt (again)
2. Rebuild emergency fund to $2500
3. Fund Black Friday account to $450 each year
4. Complete Photo Inventory
5. Do two Month-of-Nothings per year (5/5)
6. Have our Wills Written
7. Sell $500 on Craigslist or eBay ($500/$500)

Extended Family & Friends

1. Send 5 care packages (3/5)
2. Send all birthday cards
3. Do 12 Days of Christmas for a friend (Two completed Christmas 2015, one completed 2016, two in 2017)
4. Spend one on one time with a friend each month (20/33)
5. Go to Maryland (to see 'colie) 1/29/16
6. Go to Tennessee (to see 'brina)
7. Rudolph Day each month on the 25th

Self

1. Read 1 for fun fiction each month (36/33)
2. Lose another 25 pounds (0/35)
3. Make and Keep a well woman visit
4. Have a mani/pedi
5. Do the Race to Save Face
6. Do the 30 day Water Challenge
7. Do a 30 raw milk fast
8. Use one essential oil each month

Scrapbooking

1. 143 Scrapbook Pages Done (122/143)
2. 143 Page Kits Made and Ready (95/143)
3. Do the "Tiffany" Challenge once a year (3/3)
4. Have 10 crops with a friend(s) (4/10)
5. Hold Faithbooking study crop 6x a year (0/15)
6. Do a ROY B GIV photo day
7. Refinish Scrapbook table
8. Scrap weekend with 'colie 1/29/16

Boy

1. Make t-shirt quilt
2. Go letterboxing
3. 5 field trips (5/5)
4. Go Bowling
5. Find and go to a Hot Air Balloon Festival
6. Start (and Finish) mom journal
7. Make "If I'm not Here" Scrapbook
8. Take a family train trip
9. Arizona Trip

Blogging

1. Participate in a Blog Hop each month (2/33)
2. Comment on 33 new blogs (6/33)
3. Have a Blog-versary giveaway
4. Double Readership (8/50)

House

1. Reorganize 1 room/area each month
2. Paint/Update Zachary's Room DONE!!
3. Paint a cabinet in laundry room with dry erase paint(changed to magnetic dry erase calendars
4. Revive Flower gardens by the front walk (3/3)

Food

1. Can 33 things I've never canned before (33/33)
2. Make 3 more homemade ice creams (2/3)
3. Crockpot once a month (33/33)
4. Write and use a menu plan 85% of the time (687/850)
5. Organize recipes
6. Make marshmallows
7. Hunt Morel mushrooms
8. Have a backwards dinner
9. Rotate and use long term storage (and replenish)
10. Can 500 jars(1233/500)
11. Use the pressure cooker/canner each month (0/33)
12. Go to the Shrimp Festival

Other Crafts

1. Make 3 kinds of soap (0/3)
2. Make card line for Local Farm Fair (0/5)
3. Create Page Kits to Sell and put on etsy (or eBay) (4/15)
4. Milly
5. Finish green scarf
6. Create 4 things to sell at Farm Market (3/4)
7. Do 20 pins from my Pinterest boards (24/20)

Farm

Financial

1. Find and use better production and Income Tracking
2. Look for and apply for a farm grant
3. Start a "you pick" or on the Farm Stand
4. Hold field trips for homeschool groups again

Construction /Infrastructure

1. Put in Pond
2. Work on Fence Plan
3. Build a bigger greenhouse

Plants

1. Plant Pine Trees - 10 per year (0/30)
2. Plant more fruit trees
3. Better records of tree placement
4. Plant soft fruit orchard
5. Grow a wheat plot
6. Grow a Rose garden
7. Plant a u-pick pumpkin patch for the field trips

Animals

1. Raise 2 pigs
2. Raise 2 steer
3. Rehive bees
4. Pull honey
5. Restart worm farm (rewormed on 1/17/15)
6. Raise 2 batches of chickens each year (19/60)
7. Raise a flock of Turkeys
8. Put up a Bat house
9. Have all three cows AI'd

Other

1. Consistent Blogging (104/429)
2. Increase Facebook "Likes" to 150 (198/150)
3. Create Wallace Homestead Pinterest Page and have 50 followers (0/50)
4. Hold a monthly class
5. Have the "Really Local Farm Market" 1x per year (3/3)
6. Use a chainsaw